Couples Counseling: Common Reasons Why Couples are Choosing Couples Therapy
Tell someone you’re going to couples counseling and you may get a look of concern. That could be because historically couples therapy has had a stigma attached to it; assumptions get made that your relationship is in trouble. Fortunately attitudes towards therapy, including couples counseling, seem to have gotten more positive and less judgemental over the decades. It turns out the conventional “wisdom” that seeing a therapist with your partner signals the beginning of the end, was never very wise. In fact, there is quite a bit of evidence that effective couples counseling can improve each partner’s satisfaction in the relationship, and that positive changes made in counseling can be long-lasting. While some couples do go to therapy to repair a relationship wounded by a major breach of trust such as infidelity or financial dishonesty, there are also far less intense reasons to see a therapist with your partner. Here are some common issues that can be addressed and improved with a couple in counseling:
Communication
Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, and can often be worked on even when you are in a relatively happy, stable union. We all come from different families of origin, and as such we often learn to express ourselves from what we saw modeled at home. This includes how needs were expressed and conflict was resolved. On top of this early template, we add both positive and negative life experiences, to which our communication patterns adjust. Over time our way of interacting in romantic relationships, and our expectations of how we should be treated can become very entrenched in who we are. These default ways of communicating can become problematic when we pair off with someone whose style is antagonistic to our own. A classic example is a pursuer-withdrawer pattern in a couple. In this scenario, when a conflict arises, the pursuer feels better from talking it out and seeking reassurances, while the withdrawer wants distance to reduce their discomfort. The latter’s disengagement increases the anxiety in the pursuer, who may then double down on their efforts, only to push the withdrawerer further away. This classic pattern of pursuit and withdrawal in a relationship is just one example of a communication breakdown that can cause relationship dissatisfaction in both partners. Often these dynamics can be illuminated by learning more about each partner’s attachment style, which you can read further about here.
A counselor’s job isn’t to referee whose communication style is right and whose is wrong, but rather to help identify the problematic dynamic. Couples therapy can help each partner gain an increased understanding of their partner’s perspective and needs, and in doing so develop greater empathy towards each other. Communication breakdowns often lessen over time as each partner learns to spot the unhelpful patterns and make accommodations that work for both parties.
Life Transitions
Long-term relationships will inevitably be tested by life transitions, which can be tricky to navigate. Parenthood, losing a job, moving to a new community, or becoming an empty nester are just a few examples of life circumstances that can throw a stable relationship for a loop. Oftentimes couples plunge into the change without a plan. Sometimes this works, but often there can be a breakdown, which couples counseling can help address. During big changes, there may be disappointments or resentments that build up when we feel our partners aren’t living up to our expectations. For example, new parents may be keeping a tally of what they did and what they feel their partner didn't do for the child and household, leading to scorekeeping and resentment. Empty nesters may have very different ideas about what their life and relationship looks like after the kids leave, which can lead to hurt feelings or anger. Couples counseling can be a safe place to say the unspoken out loud or address the circular arguments, in order to find a more productive way forward.
Lack of Intimacy
There’s no right or wrong amount of sex for a couple to have, but it can be a useful litmus test for a relationship. While there are physical reasons a couple may not be having sex (e.g. illness, postpartum), intimacy can always still exist. It includes anything that increases feelings of closeness and security like kissing, touching, or sharing feelings. Whenever there is a major unexplained shift in intimacy between two partners, it can be a sign that something isn’t as harmonious or connected in the relationship. This can be a tough topic to address for many couples, however, for fear it will lead to outright rejection or criticism. A couples therapist can help see the problem in a more global context, that is usually less about the acts of sex or intimacy and more about the underlying unresolved issues in the relationship. This can feel like a less threatening, less emotionally-charged way to examine a sensitive topic. The work can involve revisiting intimacy at a speed that works for both parties, if that’s so desired.
If this was helpful to you and you're interested in trying a couples session, you can contact Anna Lacy at Be You Psychotherapy for a free consultation.
