Embarrassment Vs. Shame: What is the difference?
Embarrassment vs Shame
Have you ever done something “wrong” or “bad”, leaving you with a pit in your stomach? If so, you may have experienced the feelings of shame or embarrassment. Often shame and embarrassment are used interchangeably, yet there are distinct differences.
Embarrassment
Embarrassment is the least weighted of the two. This feeling is usually based on something that we did that wasn’t necessarily harmful to anyone else. You just did something that you were not “supposed to do” in front of others. When embarrassed, we are usually worried that our behavior will impact the way that others will view us. Embarrassment can stem from certain behaviors such as picking your nose or leaving the bathroom with toilet paper on your foot. It can also be based on possessions you have, such as owning a car that you believe to be beneath your image or not owning something that everyone else in your community seems to have. Embarrassment can best be noticed by sensations of discomfort, flushed face, a racing heart, and an urge to run away from the situation. This feeling is usually fleeting, and you may even laugh about it afterwards. There is also a feeling that you are not alone, that yes this was something that was embarrassing for you, but you also know that others have done something similarly embarrassing before. Embarrassment doesn’t leave you feeling exiled from other groups or communities in your life.
Shame
Now what is the difference between embarrassment and shame? Shame tends to be the more weighted and impactful. Shame can often stem from childhood when children felt perpetually disconnected from their parents leaving children continuously feeling “bad” about themselves. This disconnection could occur when parents were critical to their children or emotionally unavailable. This planted the seed for the core belief to form of “I am not good enough”. This can lead to low self-esteem and self-image issues. When individuals have low self-esteem, what may be an embarrassing situation can quickly turn into a shameful event depending on how the other people you are with react to you. As mentioned, embarrassment is fleeting and we can easily brush it off whereas shame leaves us with a more lasting feeling of worthlessness, loneliness, and a belief that something is inherently wrong with us. Embarrassment may leave us saying “I made a mistake” where shame leaves us saying “I am a mistake”. Shame can leave us feeling disconnected, exiled, and unable to live authentically or in a way that we are “supposed to”. This shame can also trigger unwanted or unexpected emotions such as anger, worry, fear, and depressed mood. It can also fuel behaviors such as perfectionism, substance misuse, disordered eating habits, and fear of intimacy/ vulnerability. If you or someone you know is experiencing shame, do not worry there are ways we can cope and heal the wounds that shame leaves.
Tips on How to Undo Shame
Challenge and Reframe
Shame often is expressed or noticed through core beliefs about oneself such as “I am not good enough”, “I am bad”, “I am ugly” or “I am stupid”. When you notice these thoughts running through your head, take a moment to pause. Then, start by acknowledging the thought, noticing how it made you feel and what emotions came up for you. Next, check the facts to see if there are other possible perspectives or experiences that you have had that directly challenge the thought you had. For example, “I am stupid” can be challenged by a grade you received, the degree you received, or the job that may have hired you. These are all facts that challenge the very extreme belief of “I am stupid”.
Therapy
As you may have noticed, shame and embarrassment often occurs in relation to someone else. We aren’t born with shame, it is gained from those reacting in a critical or harsh way around us. Therefore, one way to heal shame is through talking with a professional that will provide supportive and empathetic feedback that will “undo” the loneliness that shame promotes as well as directly challenge those core beliefs. In addition, a therapist can create the space with you to explore where this shame comes from, and unlearn some of the beliefs that we have carried with us from childhood.
Kindness and Empathy
Kindness and empathy are the only true “medicine” for shame. Shame at its core is created from feeling isolated, alone, and criticized. Therefore, in order to heal it we want to create the space for so much kindness, support, empathy and compassion. Kindness and empathy can come from yourself or by surrounding yourself with kind and empathetic individuals within your life. Self-love and self-acceptance do not come overnight; therefore, we want to practice this type of love often and consistently. This could look like celebrating small wins, engaging in a daily gratitude journal, self-compassion meditations, expressing positive traits about yourself, or really accepting kindness and compassion from others.
In all, shame and embarrassment are two emotions that can cut deep and lead to harmful mental health outcomes. Yet regardless of whether you are feeling shame or embarrassment, treating yourself and others with kindness, compassion is healing.
Marissa Robinson, LMHC
