Perfectionism: How to Take off the Armor
Many of us wear the armor of perfection. Just as physical armor protects the body from harm, this armor protects us from vulnerability and emotional pain. Perfectionistic behavior gives us a sense of control over our environment and allows us to hide away the parts of ourselves that feel undesirable and attractive.
Although this perfectionism armor may initially provide us with a sense of safety and control, over time, wearing the armor of perfectionism can become exhausting and unsustainable. In order to take off our armor of perfectionism, we must find the courage to let ourselves be seen and get to the place of getting to good enough.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the drive to appear, feel, and be perfect. It is a personality trait characterized by setting high and often unrealistic standards for oneself, striving for flawlessness, and feeling a sense of dissatisfaction with anything less than perfection.
Perfectionist traits are not the same as striving for excellence or self-improvement. Perfectionism is, as defined by well-known author, speaker, and social researcher, Brené Brown in her book Daring Greatly, “a self-destructive belief system that basically asserts that: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.”
8 Signs You May Have Perfectionist Tendencies
You feel an intense need to do something right or not at all. You believe that if something is not perfect, it’s a failure.
You have trouble delegating tasks because you feel no one else can complete a project as well as you can.
You have very high standards and set unrealistic, unattainable goals for yourself.
You fixate on mistakes you’ve made and are hard on yourself about them.
You procrastinate and find it difficult to get things done because you always feel there’s more you can do to make it ‘perfect.’
You frequently use the word “should.”
You feel good about yourself only after you’ve succeeded at something or have received praise from others.
Your self-confidence depends on what you accomplish and how others react to you.
Maybe not all these signs fit for you, but most of us are somewhere on the perfectionism continuum. As Brown asserts, "We all try to hide our flaws, want to win over people and have had those times where we thought, 'It’s my fault because I didn’t do it good enough or I wasn’t good enough.’”
What Fuels Perfectionism?
We wear the armor of perfectionism not because we are running toward lofty goals, but because we are running from the shame and fear of unworthiness. Brown states, “When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver.” Thus, shame is what fuels perfection and propels us to create unrealistic expectations for ourselves. Shame can sound like:
“I’m a bad person”
“I can’t do anything well”
“I’m weak (lazy, stupid, fat, etc).”
“I should be OK, no one can find out I’m not OK.”
Shame leads us to believe that at our core, we are less than or worthless because of our failures and mistakes. Instead of working through emotional pain, we constantly feel shameful for not living up to who we believe we should be. Our focus is on what isn't, instead of what is, and therefore, we feel great shame for what we perceive as inadequacies and failures.
Tips For Taking Off the Armor of Perfectionism.
Become aware.
The first step to overcoming maladaptive perfectionism is to become aware of your perfectionistic thoughts and tendencies. Take some time to pause and pay attention to your thought patterns around perfectionism. You might even try writing these thoughts down, to understand them better. Once we are aware of how we allow perfectionism to take hold of our lives, we will be more able to alter our self-talk around this issue.
Set reasonable goals.
Perfectionists may tend to set goals that are unrealistic, because of impossible standards. One way to let go of perfectionism is to set goals that are more achievable and SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). By setting SMART goals, breaking them into manageable chunks, and establishing a support net, you can set and achieve goals that will help you manage your perfectionist tendencies. Try even celebrating these small wins along the way rather than waiting and only celebrating at the finish line.
Focus on meaning over perfection.
Try shifting your focus to finding meaning in what you do, rather than trying to do it perfectly. If something brings us joy and purpose, then it doesn’t matter if it’s not done perfectly. There is more fulfillment to be had in finding meaning along the way.
Foster self-compassion.
To foster self-love and replace self-criticism and the drive to avoid failure and other imagined negative consequences, begin adding these strategies to your life:
Notice how you talk to yourself, and after distancing yourself from your inner critic, begin to replace harsh belittling with realistic and encouraging words.
Consciously begin to treat yourself with kindness, forgiveness, and understanding.
Connect to a sense of shared humanity, looking at others’ mistakes and granting yourself permission to make your own.
Cultivate acceptance by practicing mindfulness.
Acceptance is a component of mindfulness and self-compassion that involves becoming aware of your perfectionistic thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors without judging them. Instead of denying difficulties, which only makes them grow stronger beneath the surface, acceptance allows you to face them and deal with them. It also means accepting yourself fully for who you are, accepting “good enough”, approaching yourself with understanding and forgiveness rather than criticism.
It takes incredible courage to take off the armor of perfectionism. It can be uncomfortable to sit with imperfect or messiness of “good enoughness” instead of perfectionism. Try leaning into the discomfort by just sitting with yourself and the emotions that may come up. Notice your thoughts, give them a hug, and let them go.
Releasing the never-ending pursuit of perfectionism will help us learn that we can be loved and accepted, not in spite of our imperfections, but because of them.
Perfectionism can be hard to overcome on your own. It can also lead to mental health diagnosis such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). If you’re finding it difficult to let go of some of your beliefs underlying your sense of perfectionism, speak with one of our Be You therapist’s today.
How have you challenged yourself to let go of your perfectionistic behaviors and thoughts? Comment below!
Lexi Haft
