Parenting in the Age of Information Overload
We live in an era of information overload about any topic you could possibly imagine. Every time you look at your phone you will have emails, spam texts, and social media inundating you with suggestions to improve your life. An innocent check of Instagram will lead to video suggestions on how to improve your gut health, skincare routine, love life, and the clutter in your home. Now if you’re a parent, the unsolicited advice increases exponentially. Being a mother or father can feel like a very high-stakes role. Of course you want to do your best as you nurture and guide another being into this world. When you’re constantly getting suggestions about how to do it better, however, most parents can’t help but second guess themselves.
The Facts on Parenting in the Age of Information Overload
In fact, a Swedish study looked at this very issue: whether online searching actually helped parental self-efficacy (PSE), “defined as parents’ perceptions about their abilities to have a positive impact on their children” (Glatz & Lippold, 2023). While there is still more to be researched and some flaws with the study, there are a few takeaways that can be helpful. One finding was that parents who had low PSE, or lower confidence about their parenting, were more likely to search online for answers. As they seeked more answers and got more information, their PSE actually went down over time, not up. This suggests all of the searching was not helpful and/or the sources were not easily digestible and applicable to their needs. This brings us to another point of the study which found that parents who relied on government websites over others were less likely to experience information overload. As a result, they were also less likely to experience a drop in their PSE. So, the quality of websites matter, which is particularly relevant in this age of getting advice from influencers, many of whom don’t have the credentials to back it up.
All of this is not to say information seeking is a bad behavior. In fact, it can be extremely valuable and is often necessary. However, it’s worth reflecting on the way you do it, so it has maximum benefit and minimal anxiety for everyone involved.
Considerations When in Search of Parenting Advice
Consider the Source.
As this study pointed out, parents who went to reputable sources were less likely to have decreased confidence about their skills. Think about what you really want to learn more about, and then seek out information about that specific topic. Don’t just ingest whatever is suggested to you from social media. Government websites are a good place to start, as is searching for the topic under a search engine’s “news” tab and see what sources are mentioned in the articles you find. Find parenting book lists, read reviews and find the ones that interest you at your local library. Good old fashioned books often don’t ramp up your anxiety over hundreds of pages the way a 30-second video can. Also, authors jump through a lot of hoops to get a book published, so they often have impressive credentials to get a publishing house’s support. Realistically, you will also see “experts” on Instagram giving you advice and some of it really can be helpful, especially when you have limited time. Remember, however, that just because someone says it doesn’t make it true. Who is this person? Make sure they have experience in a relevant field before you trust what they have to say.
You Don’t Need a Thesis to be a Good Parent.
It’s not uncommon to be asked what your parenting philosophy is by another mom or dad when you least expect it. At times this may feel like a pop quiz that you’re going to fail. There are so many parenting strategies and buzzwords that it can feel hard to keep up and be clear about how you will raise your own children. Are you authoritarian, authoritative or permissive? You’ve heard the research says authoritative is most effective, but maybe you think you like gentle parenting because you hate enforcing rules and find your kid listens better if you just connect instead of setting hard boundaries. Or maybe your parents were authoritative and you think that’s why you are unphased by criticism and highly disciplined, and you want to pass on some of that unflappability to your kids because it has served you well.
Then there’s the one liners of psychological advice you hear over and over that are different from how past generations were raised. You may be conflicted about some of it. For example, you hear you’re not supposed to compliment your kids on innate traits, but wasn’t it nice to sometimes hear you looked good from your parents? Then you hear, don’t tell them “good job” when they complete something because that sets them up for seeking external validation. You wonder, however, if you never praise them, will they think you don’t think highly of them? Can you never gush with pride about something they did or must you always toss it back to them and ask what they thought of their project or performance and dodge the question like a political operative? The answer is you don’t need to have all the answers, and no one decidedly does. It’s okay to try to balance parts of what you thought worked for you growing up with parts of a different parenting theory that appeals to you. You may notice your child needs totally different parenting than what you had planned on doing. Intuition is there for a reason and you don’t have to be afraid to use it because it’s not in line with your initial beliefs and values. If you have multiple children, they may need different approaches, which you may try to give while also trying to make all things appear equal so there isn’t fighting and jealousy. Know you won’t always get it right and that’s okay because there’s always…
Repair.
Know you can fix it when you make mistakes. You can always repair the bond with your child. Admitting you got it wrong and apologizing to your kid will get you very far with them. Not only do you show them you love them and are thinking about how you treat them, you are also modeling important skills of taking accountability for what you did, and not carrying shame for mistakes.
Stop Comparing Yourself.
This is generally good life advice and it applies to parenting too. It’s useful to remind yourself that oftentimes our perception of others is different from their reality. You may not have made a picture perfect lunchbox with every color of the rainbow in it, you may not have had time to take a shower and put on a coordinated outfit for school dropoff, and you may have felt like a spotlight was on you as your child threw a public tantrum while other parents looked on with perfectly behaved children. All of those things can be true, and you can also be doing an excellent job as a parent because you are trying, thinking about it, and are still reading this blog which shows a level of commitment and an excellent attention span. Know that anyone who appears “perfect” as a parent has their moments of uncertainty too. If you find yourself constantly comparing yourself as a parent, ask whether this is a pattern for you in life. Did you always think someone else was smarter, faster, and better looking than you? If the answer is yes, working on those unhelpful core beliefs can do a world of good for you and your parenting confidence.
In sum, your child loves you just for showing up, giving them love, communicating with them, and trying your best. Know that no matter how perfectly you try to parent, your kid may still complain about you in therapy one day, and that’s okay too. In fact, should that day come, kudos to you for raising an emotionally intelligent person who values working on themself. So next time you get wound up trying to find all of the parenting answers, put the phone down, and remind yourself, you're doing just fine!
If this was helpful to you and you're interested in trying a therapy session, you can contact Anna Lacy at Be You Psychotherapy for a free consultation.
If you are a mom who recently had a child and are looking for some support and community, consider joining our postpartum group.
