FOPO: Tips for Overcoming the Fear of People’s Opinions

Our fear of others' opinions, otherwise known as FOPO, is a silent yet powerful force that every human being has experienced at some point throughout their lives.

It’s a force that shapes our interactions, decisions, and our very sense of self. While seeking approval and connection is part of our social wiring, the issue arises when external judgments unduly influence us, limiting our authenticity.

Understanding Our Preoccupation with Others’ Opinions

Our preoccupation with what others think is deeply ingrained, stemming from both our evolutionary history and our early social experiences. As infants, we are able to detect even the slightest shifts in emotional expressions from our caregivers. These emotions act as invaluable data, shaping our understanding of the world around us.

As children, we quickly learn the value of approval and the sting of rejection—from exclusion to outright bullying. These experiences imprint a powerful association: approval equals safety and belonging, while rejection brings pain. It's this primal association that often propels our fear of others' opinions into adulthood. 

What is FOPO?

FOPO, or the Fear of Other People's Opinions, is a crippling force, constraining our true selves within the confines of perceived expectations. It manifests in various ways, from career indecision to withholding our genuine feelings. 

According to Michael Gervais, Ph.D., in his book The First Rule of Mastery, FOPO drives us to obsessively interpret others’ thoughts to avoid negative perceptions, leading to a cycle of anxiety, self-doubt, and an overreliance on external validation.

This becomes problematic when we prioritize others' opinions over our own, leading us to compromise our values and aspirations for external approval. When we let FOPO dictate our actions and decisions it leads us to live life based on other people's terms instead of our own.

3 Tips for Overcoming FOPO

#1 Turn down the spotlight
The spotlight effect is used to describe our tendency to believe that there is a constant spotlight on us, highlighting our mistakes or flaws for all the world to see. However, most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to scrutinize ours. Simply realizing this can lessen the fear of judgment and turn down our own spotlight. 

Dr. Gervais suggests a technique called flipping the script: when you feel judged, imagine reversing roles and placing yourself as the observer. Consider how you would perceive yourself from someone else’s point of view. This perspective shift can significantly reduce the weight of others' opinions.

#2 Craft your personal philosophy.

Authentic living requires adherence to a personal philosophy—a phrase or sentence that expresses your core beliefs and values and sets the standard for you to use when judging your own actions.

Consider these questions:

• What are your top 5 values?

• What are you most passionate about?

• Who has qualities that align with yours, and what are they? 

• How do you want to live your life? 

Distill these reflections into a guiding philosophy. This personal compass can help steer you back to your desired path when FOPO arises.

#3 Decide who is invited to your table.

It's natural to be influenced by others' opinions, but we have the power to select whose viewpoints we truly value.

Consider whose opinions genuinely matter. Dr. Gervais uses the metaphor of a small table: choose six people you would invite to sit with you, focusing on those who possess the expertise and experience to offer valuable insights, offer constructive feedback, and truly care for your well-being. By intentionally choosing who gets a seat at your table, you're effectively prioritizing the opinions that truly matter, helping you to sift through and set aside the irrelevant ones.

You deserve to lead a life on your own terms, free from the constraints of others' expectations. Consider reaching out to one of our therapists at Be You Psychotherapy, who can help better understand the roots of FOPO and equip you with effective strategies to navigate it. Embracing this support can be a significant step toward living more authentically and with greater self-assurance!