How to Effectively Communicate Boundaries With Friends
Friendships are important and wonderful, but are often also complicated. It can be difficult to address how change, a transition, or growth can impact a friendship dynamic.
A consequence of change in relational dynamics can be realizing that there are certain aspects of the friendship that may be crossing your boundaries. So what do you do when a friendship is going through growing pains? Or a friendship feels like it's pushing your boundaries?
Understand Your Own Boundaries
A good first step is to truly understand what your boundaries are before trying to communicate them with others. Take some time to reflect on what your needs are and how you’re feeling in this friendship. We can’t expect others to understand or respect our boundaries if we aren’t clear on them ourselves.
How to Figure Out Your Boundaries:
Reflect on previous experiences: To start understanding your own boundaries, you want to begin by reflecting on previous experiences. Think about things that have happened where you felt a little uncomfortable for any reason. Ask yourself what bothered you about the situation? What do you wish you had said or done differently? How did you feel at that moment? What do you wish had happened instead? Being in touch with how you’ve felt in the past about boundaries (or a lack of them) will help you know what you want/need going forward. Not only will this prepare you for creating boundaries with others, but asking yourself these questions is a wonderful way to become more in touch with what you need yourself. Often we neglect asking ourselves these questions and this results in us not knowing ourselves too well. At the very least, taking time to reflect and be introspective is a good way to get to know yourself in a more profound way.
How to Start Enforcing Boundaries:
Once you’ve figured out what your boundaries are, the next step is to relay them to the people around you. But this is easier said than done. It’s easy to wind up scrambling for words and not know how to explain your personal boundaries in the heat of the moment. For moments like these, it’s helpful to have a few sentences to express your boundaries already prepared and in your back pocket ready for use! Take some time to workshop a few different ones. Here are some examples:
“I feel ____ when____and I would feel more comfortable if _____.”
“Please don’t _____. This is not acceptable.”
“Recently I’ve been noticing that ____isn’t something I like anymore, and I wanted to share this change with you so you’re in the loop when it comes up.”
Tip #1: Use “I statements”:
When speaking with anyone about your personal boundaries it’ll be helpful to use “I statements''. For instance, instead of saying “you make me really angry when you leave a sink full of dirty dishes”, try saying “I feel overwhelmed when the sink is full of dirty dishes and I would appreciate it if together we could make sure to not let them pile up”. Even a subtle difference in language can make all the difference in how people around you receive your feedback and boundaries. There is less inferred blame when you stop finger pointing and instead use “I statements” to get your point across.
Tip #2: Be firm and respectful:
It’s important when expressing your boundaries to be confident and, to a certain degree, unyielding in what you are saying. It is also equally important to be respectful in the way you are communicating. Avoid name calling, blaming or yelling and your message will be better received. The other person might not even know they have been crossing boundaries, so be cognizant of this and their feelings. If appropriate, be open to their needs as well. Perhaps their boundaries are different from yours and a compromise can be made. It’s important to acknowledge that there are some boundaries that can’t or shouldn’t be flexible. There should be some give-and-take if possible depending on the boundary and relationship.
Remember that you are willing to do the difficult task of setting boundaries because the friendship is worth the effort. It’s because you care that this is an important step to take for your relationship. So make sure to acknowledge how much you value the friendship while you are communicating your boundaries. Creating boundaries is a wonderful way to improve your mental health and reflecting on your boundaries is a great way to hone your sense of identity. But, that doesn’t take away from the fact that it can seem intimidating to set boundaries - especially with friends! Boundaries are necessary for a friendship to thrive and, like most things, boundaries are easier to create and maintain over time and with a lot of practice.
Does this discussion on boundaries resonate with you? If you feel like you want to better understand your boundaries and how to enforce them, the therapists at Be You Psychotherapy are available as a resource.
